…… helps Mummy’s medicine (aka wine) go down at breakneck speeds. That’s how the song goes, right?
So you might remember a little ditty I penned last year about the FF’s? Yeah. That. I’ve been naively under the assumption that with the passing of four and venturing into the land of five that we’d leave all that guffaw behind. Well, we have in a way.
Only to be replaced with Sasstitude.
What is this Sasstitude you speak of, doc? I’m glad you asked. Or not really glad, more a shared pity with you. Walk with me, while we learn of this affliction.
Before we walk the Sasstitude path, if you haven’t familiarised yourself with the FF’s, pop here and prepare for your hair to turn grey in seconds. I’ll wait for you.
Done? Feeling uncontrollably stabby and fearful now? Welcome to the gang. We’re here for you with plenty of wine.
Sasstitude is FF’s on crack, essentially. The child has now grasped exactly what they’re saying and why, and they’re happy to roll with it. Whereas in the FF’s, your cherub might say ridic shit but not quite understand just what they’re saying, now with added Sasstitude, they’re allll over it.
Sasstitude doesn’t discriminate. It affects boys and girls equally, though often with different intonations. Girls get that bit of sing-songy tone in their voice when they’re trying to be sassed. You know, the one that makes you want to simultaneously smack your head against a wall while crying and downing a shot of whatever alcohol is closest to your mouth? Uhh huh. Boys tend to just let it hang out there, full well knowing the shit they’re flinging.
Another hallmark symptom is increased back-chatting, courtesy of an inflated sense of self-perceived status in the home. And out of the home. Pretty much anywhere they go with you actually. They’re like totally on par with you now, right? At five, surely they are deemed an equal to Mum and Dad? They’ll challenge you on anything and everything. AND THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. Because. Five.
BUT. But. If you try to raise this with their teacher you’re often met with an incredulous look of shock and a cry of “oh I don’t believe that for a second! They’re an absolute treasure in class!” I tells you, these kids are ninja assholes, only reserving the nasty back-chatting for private moments with parents. Butter wouldn’t melt…..
Social Justice is bigger than Ben Hur. Common lines often heard from a child afflicted with Sasstitude include “Hey! But I didn’t get one!”, “why does she/he get that?” and my personal favourite “IT’S NOT FAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRR”. The fact they may have been afforded the same item/opportunity mere seconds prior to their sibling/friend/you/anyone within a 10km radius is completely irrelevant.
Accompanying the heightened selective hearing now, is its cousin blatant disregard, and the long lost relative, squinty eye. They know that you know they can hear you, but they also know by showing the squinty eye when you’re about to burst a vein on your forehead, that they’re indicating with complete innocence that they were unsure about what exactly you meant by “Get out of the pool NOW”. The child will continue the squinty eye with blatant disregard and a few ‘huh’s’ thrown in until you’re squinted into submission and you throw your hands in the air and walk away. It’s a thing people, it’s a thing. Some adults (namely partners) also like to try their hand at this trick. I’m proposing a new hashtag movement #stopthesquintyeye. The madness needs to end.
Other hallmark features of Sasstitude include:
- Newly discovered eye rolling. This is when they don’t have squinty eye
- Attempting to replicate the smart arses they’ve now met at school, but failing dismally at home.
- Replying to everything with either “no it isn’t!” or “yes it is!”. Remember, THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT
- Sly beating down of siblings when they think no one is watching, accompanied with a very loud and exaggerated “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!! Are you ok??” Bonus points for fake hug while looking around for parental approval.
- Uttering the line “You’re not the boss of me!” Erm. Yep I am. Soz.
- Taking themselves to their room and slamming the door with a ‘hrmph!’. This one suits me fine, as I get a moment’s peace. Winning.
- Asking the same question eleventy billion times without taking a breath, until you’re a completely broken soul, laying like a puddle on the floor. This has happened in previous incarnations (the threenager, for example) but now it’s at a whole new level of incessant madness.
- Sweet talking you (e.g. “Oh Mum, I really like what you’re wearing today. You’re so pretty”) to swipe your phone to go and watch that freaky chick unwrap freakin’ Kinder Surprises on YouTube. Why kids?? Whhhhyyyyyy?? And more importantly, why the hell didn’t I think to make a YouTube clip doing it first?
When does it end? Good question. I wish I had an answer. There may be a reprieve at six for a few months, before the infamous sevens roll around. If you need me I’ll be the one hiding in a tent at Dan Murphy’s, AKA my new home.
Is it all bad? No, of course not. Evolutionary processes ensure there’s just enough cuteness and “You’re the best cook EVAH”’s uttered when you’ve served the most dried out and tasteless piece of crap to keep you feeling warm and fuzzy and feeling chuffed you’ve got the little cracker hanging around.
Truly. Those tight little squeezes, and the beaming with pride glances toward you when they’re in the school concert are more than worth it. Remind me of this when I start tearing my hair out this afternoon due to squinty eye.
Do you have a child under the influence of Sasstitude? What is the most infuriating issue you have to deal with? Have you encountered squinty eye in either your kid or your partner? TELL THEM TO STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.