Back to School- The Mum Factor

back to school mean girls
Oh yes indeedy. Coming to a school gate near you.

Mum cliques. Can you picture it? A posse of women, styled to the hilt, moving through the school grounds like svelte Terminators. Possibly also with red eyes. Scanning the crowds for who to align with, who can be let into the circle, and who can stand right the hell away from the circle thanks. Is this real life? Is it just fantasy? It is definitely something that I keep hearing about. And I have sadly seen firsthand in one particular environment. It leaves you feeling….. a bit ick really, doesn’t it? School is so much more than just dropping your cherub off for an education it seems. It’s not just your child that forms a relationship with the school community, you’ve gotta jump in too. Which is great in theory. It takes a village and all. But. Cliques. Coffees after school drop off with a side of bitching. Can’t even. Now, a huge caveat here is that by and large, I am sure cliques are a minority. The majority of Mums (and Dads) are awesome, supportive, and all want the best for their cherubs. But you know, like everything in life, there’s always a couple of sour grapes in the mix.

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There’s a new kid in town…. the second child

There’s a new brand of crazy in town; the second child. Bugger this middle child shit, second children are sweeping the nation. With their crazed antics. Turning parents’ hair grey.  Fraying nerves left, right and centre. All with a cheeky grin and a sass mouth.

In honour of my littlest lady (because, we ALL know we have to be equal with all our children. I don’t want to be chipped for featuring one not the other, you know), I’ve been conducting some market research into the second child. And by market research, I mean whinging to all and sundry “holy shit! My kid is CRAZY! So completely different to her big sister” and then receiving knowing nods, sympathetic eyes,  gentle pats on the shoulder and a “yep, my second is a crazed nutter too”. Solidarity. #fistpump  So by my really super duper, extensively and scientifically validated market research I have come to a conclusion.  There is a syndrome for children that come after the firstborn. I’ve aptly named it “second child syndrome”. Oh yeah, I’m all edgy with my naming of said syndrome.

*NB: It must be noted that this syndrome only applies to our own offspring. It doesn’t apply to us in our own sibset. Oh no no. Because we are awesome and we don’t succumb to stereotypes. Also covering my ass for any second children out there reading this and thinking ‘wtf’.

Second child cray
Exhibit A. CRAZY. Perhaps she needs to lay off the beers a bit?

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Building Resilience in Kids Through Lazy Assness

The brilliant Lauren from The Thud has put together a wiz-bang, you-beaut series on the lazy ass parents’ guide to Halloween costumes. She’s da bomb, seriously. What can’t this lady do? My lazy assed self rejoiced no end at such quick and easy ideas. But my lazy ass can’t be assed to kick it to that next level of awesomeness. So I suggested sheets over the kids heads. Lauren, being the clever cookie she is, suggested even extending so far as to put eye holes in the sheet. Bless her. She is a devoted Mama. Me on the other hand? I’m all ‘heck, that’s a lot of hard work there’. Let’s go sans eye holes. I call this a lesson in resilience. I am all about good resilience and wellbeing, you know this. Let’s just not talk about the extreme lazy assed, and potentially negligent parenting on my part and we’ll be good.

Anyways I thought this would be interesting for the girls to see how they negotiate a task where one of their senses was taken away.  And also in trying something new. See? Always with the angle, aren’t I? Halloween seems to be big business these days, and with it comes a heck load of expectations and excitement from the kiddies. But what if they get no candy? What if they’re given a shit costume? All that hype can lead to a bit of a let down. Some kids can bounce back, while others fall flat. So resilience is pretty handy to have. Same for adults in dealing with sugar highs and insane trick or treaters. Let’s see how my ladies went, shall we? *NB no children were harmed in the making of these lazy assed costumes and ensuing experiment.*

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Honey, we need to talk…

So the other night I was putting Miss DP to bed. It’s a loooong process. But given I used to have to stand at her doorway for an hour, we’re doing super well now (my girl has some issues. She might need to talk to someone about them. But maybe not me because I could lead her down the garden path). She likes to waffle (not sure where she got that from?) before hitting the hay, so our bedtime prep is her waffling crap, featuring random statements and me nodding my head going ‘uhhh huh’ and ‘ohhh really?’ This one night though out of nowhere she said:

“Mummy, when people get married they make love……………………. hearts”

I nearly fell off the bed and choked on my tongue. My heart pounded like the double kick drum in a Metallica song. Kid be like four, there aint no people making love………….hearts in her Disney world!!  I was breathing a huge sigh of relief at the last minute addition of ‘hearts’ to that freakin’ sentence.  Miss DP is obsessed with marriage and babies at the moment. She is definitely getting married apparently, despite my protests of “girlfriend, you don’t need no one else to be happy! And you don’t need to get married!” complete with wagging finger. Snaps, girlfriend.  And she’s marrying Prince Charming. Back off boys, only Prince Charming need apply.  That’s my girl, set your standards so bloody high that no one can ever meet them. Read more