I’ve been absent round these parts lately because…. Well I don’t really have a good excuse. Just busy and blah and brain fried. But just recently I’ve had to hit the ground running back at work (well one of my jobs. They all blur into one crazy mess really), and celebrate (or is that cry myself into a bowl of wine? I’m not sure) the fact that my youngest lass is entering her third year of life. Three. A magical age, isn’t it? We’ve talked about the Fucking Fours, we’ve talked about the Second Child Syndrome. Well, when that is combined with the threenager phase…… it’s time to just hide in a cupboard and comfort eat for a year.
So, what is this creature known as a threenager I hear you ask? Well, you’re in for a treat. Having studied one such creature a mere two years ago, and now embarking on the ‘change’ in another, not to mention working with a few over the years, here’s a quick checklist to assess whether you may just have a threenager in your midst:
The Threenager Checklist
- Does your child suddenly possess the ability to roll their eyes at you, even though they’ve never seen it done before?
- Have they commenced foot stamping (preferably right foot. But left foot can be used at times also), whilst simultaneously putting hands on hips over seemingly innocuous things?
- At random moments, are your ears assaulted with terms such as “Ugggh. I TOLD you already”, “ I said I would, alright?”, and “yeah yeah in a minute”. If speaking ain’t their thang, then do you get a series of growls and grunts hurled in your general direction?
- Does your child appear to be a 15 year old trapped in a midget’s body? They may look cute, and all toddler-like, but the sass and attitude is like that of a surly Year 10 student.
- Do things have to be ‘just so’? Only neither they nor you know what ‘just so’ actually is?
- Will your child reserve the right to change their mind eleventy billion times a day? They want yellow shorts. NO! DON’T GIVE ME YELLOW SHORTS, I TOLD YOU ALREADY! But I really doooooo want yellow shorts.
- Do you find yourself squishing their cheeks and just loving them sick, only to begin plucking your own eyelashes out mere moments later due to their moodiness and cyclonic behaviour?
- Does your child stare at you with knowing eyes, the second you go out in public, and saves their best for an audience? They slowly turn their head, shiny eyes gleaming with joy, as they give you that look that says “ohhhh yeah. I’m all over this, bitchez”.
- Have you taken to necking a bottle of wine on a nightly basis and bypassing the glass?
If you’ve nodded along to all of these, and are crying and reaching for the wine by the last question, then it looks like you’ve got a threenager on your hands. My sincere condolences. Sometimes you may have an overachiever who starts at 2.5 years. Brace yourselves. This doesn’t mean they escape the phase any earlier, it merely means you’ve got an extra 6 months of the pain. Invest in a vineyard now.
They get through it. Eventually. As do you. Some sanity may be lost. But really, it’s overrated anyways. And when it’s over, you’ll be reminiscing about that little sass mouth and Benjamin Button style ‘tude. Because it’s onto four then. And we know what that’s like.
Have you encountered a threenager? Did you come away intact? If you don’t have kids, what kind of three year old do you think you might have been? I was a total cherub.